Wednesday, October 05, 2005

Top Gun in the Oven!

A few weeks ago...my fiancée and I did the impossible.

Yup, that's right. We flew into the danger zone. Together. Undercover -- heck, without a cover! And now...

I don't know if you've heard anything about it, but it appears that the good Lord Xenu has decided to bless Katie and I with a child! Not an adopted child, but one that's half Katie, and half me! To tell you the truth, I'm still in a little bit of shock over all this -- I mean, I had no idea that making a baby was so complicated! When I was married to Nicole, she'd tried to show me where babies came from, but...I just couldn't believe any of it! It seemed so...icky, and un-natural. It was just like that scene we did in Eyes Wide Shut, except there weren't any cameras (as far as I could tell). But no matter how hard she tried to show me, the stork never brought us any babies. It was so strange. I kept on pretending she was a guy, and I guess that didn't help. But then Katie came along, and now, everything makes sense!

Oh, and to everyone who ever raised...ahem...doubts about my uber-heterosexuality, well, here's what I have to say to you:

Even Dawson couldn't get Joey pregnant! And now, look at me! Mission Impossible? Nooo way. Mission Complete! And I didn't even have to marry her, or land on an aircraft carrier! (Although, we do still plan to follow through with the marriage, don't worry)

So in conclusion, this is why I haven't updated lately. Sorry you guys -- babymaking's a pretty time-intensive business. I mean first of all, it took Katie about three weeks just to convince me that having kids wouldn't increase our thetan count, and then it took her even longer to show me what went where, but after I figured it out -- it was (to use a word of Kate's)... "awesome." I've got to say though, if this is really what pregnancy and childbirth is all about, then I'm totally looking forward to having kids with Katie. I hope she doesn't get freaked out seven months from now though, when the baby comes. I did a bit of reading last night, and apparently, we don't give new moms any of those icky pain-relieving drugs to help with childbirth. Don't blame me -- it's just a part of the rules. But I'm not too worried about it -- I mean, how hard can it be to give birth?

In other news, filming MI3 is going pretty well -- I'll tell you more about that later. We got back from Rome a little while ago, and Katie and I even found some time for rock-climbing (well, until we figured out she probably shouldn't do that anymore for awhile). But I couldn't go any further without mentioning this awesome awesome awesomeness of news. I'm going to be a daddy!

Now if you'll excuse me, I've got to go look for some elevator baby shoes. If this kid gets any of my genes, s/he's gonna need them.

Love, babies, and Scientology,
Tom "call me daddy" Cruise

Monday, August 15, 2005

We are SO totally for real. Really.

Fans, foes, and fellow Scientologists:

Katie Holmes and I are(n't) breaking up. She and I are(n't) planning on going our separate ways, and we certainly are(n't) planning on calling off the engagement, and subsequent Super-Secret Scientology..Swedding. I don't know -- it's like some people never get tired of talking about things they don't understand. Did you ever just get that feeling -- that everyone around you was just a walking glib of glibness?

After my two-week ban from the internets (on account of my accidentally typing "Scientology" into Google), Katie and Jessica decided I was finally mature enough to be let back on. I had to swear on a book of Dianetics before they would believe me, though. But as Katie said, what's a relationship without trust? So because she trusted me -- because she loved me -- Katie sat beside me as I used the computer yesterday, to make sure I'd be okay. You've gotta love her.

There was something that bothered me, though. Two nights ago, during an evening session of nude gymnastics (to help me get limber for my stunts in MI3), I overheard Katie saying something on the phone that sounded a lot like "the check cleared." You know what the funny thing is? She said that last month, too! When I stopped to listen, I think she hung up the phone. Then later, when I woke up in the middle of the night to...err...free some Thetans, she was on the phone again. This time, I distinctly heard her talking about how I played the same character in War of the Worlds, Vanilla Sky, and Jerry Macguire. She even mentioned my fear of cheese!

When heard me jumping in an unmedicated fury on our bed, she put down the phone and said that she was just using reverse psychology; she was making fun of me so her mom would see how awesome I was. She said she was really really sorry, but I'm not sure I believe her. Katie still won't tell me why she keeps on whispering "three months left" under her breath, whenever she thinks I'm not around. I know she wouldn't be thinking of leaving me. She's totally awesomely in love with me. I heard her say so on Letterman.

Well, that's the weird thing. She's never actually told me she loves me, you know, in private. Whenever I tell her I love her, she gets really uncomfortable, and her cheek starts twitching. We went to a Doctor from the Church of Scientology, and he told us it was a perfectly normal reaction for someone giving up 26 years of her own religion for her spouse's creepy cult. I swear I saw Katie wink at the doctor just then. The Doctor said the twitch could only be fixed by vitamins and excercise. Katie asked about aspirin, but I reminded her that aspirin was probably an anti-psychotic drug. She laughed giddily, but...I couldn't tell if she was laughing with me, or if she was laughing at me. I hate that feeling.

I don't know, guys. Sometimes I wonder if we rushed into this. My Truth-mentor tells me not to worry. He says it's just Thetans bothering me. But you know what? This whole Thetan thing is starting to sound like a pseudoscience. I mean, I know there's no such thing as a chemical imbalance -- but what if there's no such thing as a religion based on hydrogen bombs and the spirits of Earthlings planted on huge volcanoes?

Anyway, I'm going to call Dustin Hoffman now. A bunch of us at the Church rented I Heart Huckabees last week, and it was surprisingly good, for a heathen flick. Katie seemed really freaked out by it though. For like, three days afterward, she kept on repeating that one line, "How am I not myself?" She just kept on saying it. Weird, huh?

Totally myself,
Thomas "the Thetan-Engine" Cruise

P.S,
click on the image for a full-sized view :^)

Why Tom hasn't been updating lately...

Okay. Truth be told, I wasn't planning on updating the TCB again for awhile -- at least until this sham of an engagement either got called off (officially, not in rumorville), or taken all the way to weddingland, with "I do"s and throwings of bouqets and whatnot. But so many wonderful people have been asking for another entry, so...I'll write a real one soon.

Incidentally, part of why I decided to take a break was so I could work on a few side projects. This (Starry Fever) is where I've been for the past month or two, and I've also got substantial stock in This (Mirefresco). One is a "celebripolitical" blog, and the other is purely current (non-celeb-related) events. Both, I hope, are worth reading, at least every now and then. Some folks have already recognized the writing style (and my penchant for adding links in other languages, and to Stop The Hunger). Well, I'd like to thank all of you for tuning in, for arguing and agreeing with me and with each other, and just in general for helping make this a really fun project. I never thought it would get this big, and that so many people would apparently enjoy it :^)

Now...I'll get to writing an entry for the TCB (it'll be up by tomorrow or by Tuesday, if I get distracted), and I'll bid all of you goodnight!

Sincerely,
"Tom" (not Tom Cruise)

Saturday, July 23, 2005

'Metal Heart' sounds just like 'Fond Farewell'

Last night, I asked Katie what she was thinking when she posed for this picture. I mean, I didn't see anything wrong with it, but when we got off a plane in New York yesterday, a bunch of people started asking me if putting a fiancee on mind-altering drugs violated principles of Scientology. I didn't know what they meant until my sister gave me a copy of the magazine. When I showed it to Katie, she just opened and closed her mouth like a fish, but no words came out. So Jessica spoke for her:

"You love him," she said, "and he completes you."

Katie nodded, and I helped wipe away the drool from the side of her mouth. I really think we connected. Today, we're going shopping -- again. I don't know why stores laugh at us when we ask for a 300 day return policy on bridal gowns. This is so weird! It's like everyone thinks we're not real or something. Can't they see we're in love? Gosh, how many times do we have to kiss in public for people to believe our relationship didn't begin with a contract? Arrrrgh! None of you people understand the history of Katie and me. You're just like Matt; you're glib! You don't even know what glibness is!

Okay everyone, I'm sorry. Katie just came by, and she doesn't like me using the computer when she's not around. I think it's because I forgot to turn on the $cientology Net-Nanny the last time I surfed, and I managed to get onto this dangerous site called Google. Jessica agreed with her; there's no telling what I might have seen or read if they hadn't gotten to me in time. I don't remember the details (it was right before my drug-induced nap), but apparently, when Katie just happened to walk into our bedroom (she was looking for her Chris Klein poster), she saw me typing in "Scientology+cult?" into the search engine. I didn't see anything wrong with it (after all, John Travolta told me that "Cult" was just another word for "Super-Awesome"), but Katie let out this horrible scream, and she threw a size six shoe (mine, not hers) at me, and pushed me away from the computer. Then my sister came in with this really big needle, and then everything went black. I wonder what happened. Oh well. Scientology knows best! Maybe they were keeping me away from a virus. I don't know much about computers. *Shrug*

Anyway, I've got to go. Nicole's on the phone. She wants to know if I listened to that Cat Power album she sent me. It was Katie's idea; she thinks listening to some non-Sci music would do me good. She sent me this Elliott Smith album before we started dating, and it wasn't bad. I love the lyrics about being lost, and then being found. I mean...aren't we all lost in different ways?

Love,
Tom Cruise

Thursday, July 14, 2005

Rob -- It's 3AM, and I'm so Lonely!

Dear Rob,

I don't even know what to say. Katie told me it was inevitable, but I didn't listen to her. What with this whole hiring a skirt to promote our movies and the urban legend of my heterosexuality, I should have known it was bound to happen. Rob, we were lovers -- you know we were. Remember that night last year, when you held my hand and sang to me? You said it was 3AM, but you weren't lonely anymore. Rob, you wrote that song for me! We've been together for, what, seven years now -- And then you go say this to a reporter?

"If I were gay," says Rob, "Tom wouldn't be on the top of my list. It would be Brad Pitt. I'm more offended by the rumours saying I'm [a] Scientologist."

What?! Rob, you wrote that song (and many more) about me. You know you did! When it was 3AM, and I said 'baby', you checked your watch, and you said I'd never be lonely again. Through thick and thin, we stuck together -- through everything! When you made those really, really bad albums, and all the radio stations stopped playing your songs, who introduced you to Santana and got your career back? Who gave you a cameo as one of the dead guys in The Last Samurai? Who fed you chicken soup when you fell sick after we spent all night on that beach in Aruba? Me, Rob. Me. And now, you're going and telling everyone that you don't even know me, and that you don't believe! Scientology loves you, Rob. And I know you love me too. No matter what you say.

And what the heck is this part about how "if" you were gay (which you sooo are), I wouldn't be on the top of your list? If you gave me a dollar for everytime I've been on top...anyway, then you said you'd pick BRAD PITT over me? WTF? What's Brad got that I haven't? You're kidding yourself if you think he'd leave Angelina for you -- they just adopted a kid together! And he's not a Scientologist. And, he's not gay. You and I -- we were made for each other!
Remember this?

"I wanna push you around, well I will, well I will..." Even after the rough spots in our relationship, I took you back, Rob. Because that's what Love is all about. I don't know. Call me. I know you didn't mean the mean things you said. I left you a message on your machine. It's my cell, so you can do reach me anytime, anywhere -- just like the old days. You said we were BBF's. You know...butt buddies forever! Don't pull out now, Rob. Please don't pull out now.

You can still ride me anytime (if you say you're sorry),
the S.S. Cruise

P.S, the S.S. Cruise isn't really a ship (hehe!). Nicole still doesn't know that was our code word on the phone. Haha. We're so awesome.

Notes to self: Don't publish to blog. Email to Rob; attach that picture from when we stayed after closing hours to play with the bowling pins. Forward to Katie for prufreeding. Help her find a returnable wedding dress.

Friday, July 08, 2005

Scientist Studies



It's funny how being in a relationship with someone sixteen years your junior can expose you to so many things you never knew existed. When my fiancee and I started dating, we had almost nothing in common, except that we both loved Tom Cruise. To tell the truth, it was kind of awkward -- but it's not anymore. After spending so much time in Europe promoting our movies, we've become really happy wi--no...surprisingly comforta...no...um, we're okay with each other, at least a little bit. She no longer flinches (as much) when I touch her as she did when we first met, and she no longer freaks out (as much) whenever she sees me playing naked pool with the butler and the gardener. She even joins in, every once in awhile. It's so awesome.

Another way Katie and I have been bonding over the past nine or ten weeks has been by listening to music. I tried getting her to listen to Tom Petty and James Taylor, but she kept on telling me that was stuff her dad listened to. She then tried to get me into Paula Cole and Death Cab for Cutie, but I just didn't get it. Eventually, we both settled for Beck and Matchbox 20. I wonder if the fact that we were Scientologists, and they were Scientologists, made the music sound more beautiful. Who knows? Katie said that before, when she used to listen to Matchbox 20, she could never understand what the main singer was trying to say -- but ever since she switched religions, it was like a light bulb turned on (or a bunch of thetans left her body). I agreed with her. It's a wonderful feeling. Plus, Rob is hot. Don't tell him I said that though; he gets so red when he blushes!

This afternoon, we stayed in to watch some movies. We saw the 2004 version of Dawn of the Dead, but we had to turn it off before the end, because the zombies reminded Katie too much of Scientologists in our Church. She was scared, but we hugged, and then everything got better. She applied her tanning lotion (the one we bought to get rid of my palm-marks on the back of her neck from leading her around like a prisoner-of-war), and then we went to bed -- but not in the Biblical sense, of course! That's not going to happen until we're married -- and when we do, let's just say I'll be thinking more about Dawson than about Joey. I don't know. If anyone can set me straight, it's got to be Katie. I can't keep up this facade for much longer. And now, if you'll excuse me, I've got to go find Katie, the butler, and the carpenter.

Anyone up for a game of naked volleyball?
Streaking like a cruise missile,
The incredible, edible Tom Cruise (M.D).

Saturday, July 02, 2005

It's such a good feeling, a very good feeling...

I don't even know how to begin. Despite all the mean, mean things the television people said about me, War of the Worlds did really well in the box office! When I heard the news, I was so happy, I had to take some vitamins to calm me down! People had said, "oh, he's weird", and "War of the Worlds sucks!", but as I said to Katie, who's sucking now? See! Who's sucking now? She was right -- my ever-charming smile came through for me, yet again. Let this be a lesson to my enemies -- I am invincible! Indefeatable! I am Tom Cruise, hear me roar! Rest assured, we shall build many Churches with the money you have so generously donated.

However, this isn't all I wanted to tell you about. The other day, while Katie and I were playing a good-old-fashioned game of naked basketball, I got a phonecall. It was from Ben (Affleck) -- he called to tell me he and Jennifer (Garner) had just gotten married! I couldn't believe it. I mean, is it really possible for two celebrities to have a relationship without being everywhere in the public eye? Katie picked up the extension, and she congratulated Ben. We're both so happy for him and Jen. Hopefully my fiancee and I will be able to tie the knot in similar fashion someday. I have to admit, I had been a little worried when I first found out they were thinking of getting married. After all, they hadn't known each other for very long, you know? But now that they're officially husband and wife, it just makes sense. Love is an awesomely awesome thing.

Oh, but you know what the wildest part is? They're even going to have a baby! I...well, I have a bit of a secret. I don't actually know where babies come from. I mean, Nicole tried to show me many times during our ten years of celibacy/marriage, but I never quite got the hang of it. The Church of Scientology told me something about a stork, which sounded kind of strange at first, but I guess it must be true. I mean, the Church would never lie to me, would they? So, I don't know how Katie and I are going to have children, but I'm sure the stork will come when it sees how much we love each other. Katie said she wants five kids. I just hope that stork doesn't get tired from flying back and forth with lots of little TomKats, LOL!

Whoops - I've got to go. My fiancée and I are going to practice kissing, so we won't look so stiff the next time we try it in public -- Gawd, I don't know why kissing girls is so awkward for me! It's like trying to find your way out of a dark closet...arms and legs and sweaty bodies everywhere. I've got to get used to this, before the gardener and the cabana boy start spreading naughty rumors. If anyone tells you a story about nude fencing (without sabers), it's totally a lie. Well, tata for now! Oh, and if you get bored this weekend, go see WOTW again! We're trying to build a scale replica of the Eiffel Tower outside our beachhouse in the Bahamas, so Katie and I can always remember the place where we declared our love for each other.

Won't you be my neighbor?
Tom (TopGunner) Cruise.

Oh, and it's my birthday tomorrow. Go me! -- the big 43!

Thursday, June 30, 2005

A Love Tricycle


Hi everyone! I've been a bit busy lately, but I just had to fill you in on the past couple of days...

So I called Nicole yesterday, and told her it would be really nice if she'd come to our wedding. She said she'd think about it, but she wouldn't give me a straight answer. She said something about wanting to stay out of the public eye. I didn't have a clue about what she meant, but that's all right. As long as my fiancee and I are in love, and War of the Worlds does well in the box office, then I'll be a happy man.

Later that evening, when Katie and I were removing engrams from our bodies (don't ask), I got a phonecall from Penelope, which was kind of weird, because I thought I changed my number when we broke up. I didn't feel like speaking to her, so I left it to the answering machine (Katie), and she took care of it. It's always awkward when your old girlfriends, lovers, and wives first meet your current girlfriend/fiancée/brainwashee, but I think Katie handled it well. She's so graceful in her ways.

Tomorrow, we're thinking of going to the dentist to get Katie's wisdom teeth pulled out -- she doesn't think she'll need them anymore, now that she's becoming a Scientologist, hehe. Just kidding! She's actually had a toothache for the past ten weeks. Oddly enough, it seems to have started when we started dating, and falling in love. That's why she doesn't say much in interviews these days; it physically hurts her to talk about anything that doesn't have to do with me. But you know what? I feel the same way! Perhaps this is what they mean when they say love hurts? It's such a mystery!

It doesn't matter though; our good friend Jessica Rodriguez has become a sort of big sister to Katie -- she helps her say the right things in interviews, and she helps keep Katie from slipping back into bad habits (like Christianity, thinking for herself, contacting her family and friends, or promoting her movies). I don't know where I'd be without her, Katie, and our love of Scientology. We're like a tricycle -- an awesome tricycle of Scientology and love and awesomeness!

I'd write more, but I've got to go make sure that my motorcycle is in tip-top condition. Katie and I love riding down quiet country roads. Tomorrow we plan to celebrate my recent certification as a doctor, courtesy of the University of Scientology. Go Thetans!

Your best friend,
Tom Cruise, M.D. Class of '05.

P.S,
Katie's working on her bachelor's degree as we speak.

Tuesday, June 28, 2005

Invasion of the Body-Snatchers (Scientology comes to Hollywood)

Hi there! Just a quick entry before I go to the library. I know I should be doing research on the history of dangerous cults, but...

Guess what's coming out tomorrow? That's right -- War of the Worlds! I can't tell you what it's about (it's not like I've said anything about it in any public appearances, so I couldn't change now...), but I will tell you that it's going to be better than the 1953 version. You know how in the previews, you only see me, Dakota, and a crowd of people screaming? Well, that's pretty much the whole movie. But it'll be really good once you're in the theater. You get to see me turn from a shallow, egotistic man who only thinks about himself, into a thoughtful, compassionate, deeper human being by the end of the movie. You know -- the same character I played in Vanilla Sky, Top Gun, Rain Man, A Few Good Men, and (duh), Jerry Maguire! See, I think that if you find out you're good at one thing, then you should try to do it as many times as possible. That's why I always play the same character in my unique movies -- I'm just giving the people what they want.

By the way, I think Katie and I might star in a remake of Invasion of the Body-Snatchers sometime in the next year or two. If anyone's capable of accurately portraying a brainwashed human being, it's definitely Katie. Oh -- speaking of being posessed, I totally punk'd Lauer last week (Katie and I have been watching old episodes on MTV-Euro) . Anyone who's studied the history of psychosis can tell you that I was in charge of that interview; Matt's going to think twice the next time he has to talk to a Scientologist. Hopefully he'll be more responsible before he opens his mouth, and starts to babble about things he clearly knows nothing about.

"Who do you love?"
"I'm not going to lie anymore, Tom."
"Come on! You'll blow our cover..."
"You, Tom. I...I love you."
"Attagirl. Now, who do we pray to at night?"
"G...I mean...no one!"
"Perfect! Last one -- desert island. One Book: The Bible, or Dianetics?"
"...this is getting ridiculous..."
"Say it! I mean...say it, please?"
"Dianetics! Dianetics, you little munchkin.."
*awkward pause*

"Do you have to wear those heels all the time? You're already so tall..."
"It was part of the deal. Besides, I know you're wearing those stupid elevator shoes. Don't lie to me..."

(Totally wrong interpretation of this picture).

Finally, my handlers have told me that some people might be taking an issue with my recent public outbursts, or with my incessant declarations of love and awesomeness for Katie. Well, here's what I have to say: You will still watch my movies no matter what I say or do. Let's be honest: if you like me...you really like me! Not to be condescending, but you people will watch anything I'm in. If I held a televised press-conference tonight and told everyone all there is to know about Scientology, you'd still go see War of the Worlds, and we'd still break the 100million-dollar mark by the end of the week. That's why I get 20% of the film's profits -- nobody makes better blockbusters than I do.

I mean, if I kidnapped (and brainwashed) a 26-year old doe-eyed, All-American girl, called her the love of my life, and told the world we were going to get married, at least half of you would believe me. The public can't get enough of the Cruise. And this is why you're going to turn out in massive numbers to see me play the same character in yet another overhyped action flick.

Thank you for funding Scientology with every ticket you buy,
Thomas Cruise Mapother IV

Friday, June 24, 2005

I'm Passionate about Life and Learning...and don't you forget it.



Okay, before anyone says anything, I wasn't out of line with Matt. I was perfectly correct to state my (loony) opinions on the Today show. Brooke is a druggie and kids in this country are all hopped up on Ritalin!!! I said it before, and I'll say it again...There is no such thing as a chemical imbalance in the body!!! Aaaaaargh!!!

Here's the transcript -- read it yourself.
http://drudgereport.com/flash3tc.htm

Did I say anything crazy? Did I say anything that wasn't true? Of course not! Anyone with half a brain, anyone who has done the research and has taken the time to investigate these things, will see that I'm correct. All those neuroscientists and clinical psychologists who've spent their *entire* lives working on mental and psychiatric disorders ARE JUST WRONG. I am right. Scientology is right. We are all inhabited by Thetans. The rest of the world is wrong. A little knowledge is a dangerous thing; do your research, and you'll know exactly where I stand with respect to logic and reality. That guy you saw on Letterman last night wasn't me -- what you saw this morning on the Today show -- that was the real me. I love Brooke Shields! I mean...why would I say such cruel/idiotic/fucked up bullshit caring things about her, and how she dealt with her post-partum depression, if I didn't really care about her?

Listen:
I'm not a wacked-out cultist. I'm just Tom! This is who I am! This is what Scientology is truly about! I'm just here to spread the truth. It's not my fault if Matt Lauer and his drugged-out Ritalin friends can't handle it. Some people may say I looked like a monster this morning...a sort of "Jekyll and Hyde", especially when you compared how I acted this morning to how I BS'ed my way through the Letterman interview behaved last night, but let me tell you -- the truth hurts. That's why so many people out there are hurting -- because they don't think the way I do. If you believe in Scientology, everything I say, everything I do, it'll all make sense. I mean, ask Katie! Some people might say she sold her soul to Xenu when she agreed to be my wife. I say she decided 26 years of Christianity were nothing more than a lie, and I think she's the better for it. After all,

Who needs friends? Who needs family? Who needs a life outside of Scientology? As my good friend Jenna Elfman once said, "AIDS is just a state of mind". Now add this to the list of truths brought to you by the Church of Scientology: There is no such thing as a chemical imbalance in the body. I truly believe this. Soon Katie will too.

Eternally yours,
The Cruise Missile.


P.S,
Yes, I have a bad habit of repeating people's names when I don't agree with them. It's not because I'm condescending; it's just because they don't understand.

Wednesday, June 22, 2005

Guess I'm Doing Fine



So this morning, while practicing some moves for Return of the Samurai (there's no official word of if there'll be a sequel or not, but I'll never give up hope), I decided not to press charges against those chaps who did the water thing. It made me feel good inside; I could just feel the Thetans slipping away. Some people call it meditating, but believe me -- you haven't freed your mind 'till you've joined my religion. Just ask Katie. Before she started seeing me, she had all these friends, and family, and hobbies -- or as we Scientologists call them, distractions. Now, it's just me and her (and Jessica, when she gives interviews). And that's okay. I haven't had a friend since Jamie Foxx won my Oscar. Do I look upset to you? No! I'm happy! And soon, Katie will be happy with me! We're already happy. You can see it in her smile. I'd have said you could see it in mine, but my face has been stuck that way for a long time. An old rock-climbing injury, you know.

Tomorrow I'm going to be on the Dave Letterman show. My people have spent the last few days working out the details with his people, to make sure we have a pleasant interview. On Tuesday, I flew down to Australia to take some boxing tips from Russell Crowe. He wasn't there though (something about a telephone incident), so I flew back to the U.K. to see Sean Connery. He was such a badass in The Rock, not to mention in the Bond films. From now on, if anyone tries some silly water stunt with me in public, decency be damned, I'm going to show him (or her, I'm not sexist) a thing or two.

I've been thinking of taking Katie to meet Nicole and the kids next time we go to Australia together. I don't know why I haven't done it yet. I mean, when we get married (and believe me, it's gonna happen), she's going to be a stepmom -- you know, like the Julia Roberts movie. I can already tell that she's going to be a wonderful mother/friend/big sister to my children. She told me she once had a puppy, and that she took care of it for two whole weeks before it ran away. I told her that was good enough for me. Besides, why would children want to run away from us? Those fences surrounding the compound are to keep heathens out, and Scientologists trapped safe. If anyone wants to visit me, they can come in through the back door.

But as I was saying, I'm trying to schedule a trip to bring Katie to the land down under, to meet Nicole. I didn't take her with me yesterday because she was having some trouble figuring out who or what to pray to before she went to bed. It's not that I don't trust her, but every now and then, when she thinks I'm not around, I've seen her reading some strange book about a guy named Jesus. Come to think of it, Nicole used to talk about him too. And they both have this weird habit of waving their hands over their chests (like an "X") whenever they enter one of our Churches. I guess it's one of the perils of an inter-faith marraige. Well, I promised myself that the next woman I married would believe in the Truth (meaning, Scientology). So far, Kate's been converting well, but this whole Bible-reading thing has got to stop. And when she's asleep, she often mumbles something about going to confession. I don't know what she's talking about.

To tell the truth, we're thinking of having an intervention.

Wish me luck on the interview tomorrow,
The Rainman




P.S,

I would have made a better Emperor.

Monday, June 20, 2005

Why?



I wasn't doing anything. I wasn't doing anything except signing autographs for people who *apparently* wanted to see me. You -- the fellow in charge of this -- you were a bloody wanker.

There was no need for this. I have nothing else to say.

Hurt,
Ethan Hunt.

Saturday, June 18, 2005

Can't you just feel it?



I remember this moment (it was early yesterday, after my super-romantic proposal in Paris), and even now, it's still hard to get past the joy I feel for her, and which she feels for me. I mean -- if anyone had told me eight weeks ago that I'd meet, date, fall in like with, and propose to the girl of my dreams, I wouldn't have believed it! But it's happened, and I guess this is just proof that if you keep your heart open after ten years of marriage, you can fall in love all over again -- especially if you've got a blockbuster on the way!

So yesterday, after we were done with all the press conferences we'd scheduled and the promotions and signing stuff, Katie and I just sat together in a hotel (we didn't do anything, silly!) and I asked her, far away from any cameras or reporters or publicists, how she felt about the engagement. Mind you I didn't doubt her for a second, but being a gentleman, I wanted to make sure she didn't feel we were rushing into it or anything. I mean, she still had the tan line from her last engagement ring! Well, I looked deeply into her eyes, and I asked her,

"Katie, do you really want this? Do you really want to be my wife?"

...and do you know what she said?

"Tom, I'm just...so...in love!"

I flashed my toothy grin at her, and we hugged. It was so special. It was just like that episode where Dawson asked Joey to tell him how she felt about him, except Dawson wasn't sixteen years older than Joey. That doesn't matter though; I know exactly how he felt. It's amazing -- Joey didn't make eye contact with Dawson in that scene, and Katie still has trouble looking into my eyes when she tells me she loves me! I think this is how the French say it, that life imitates art (or is the other way around?) But either way, I know Katie would never lie to me (or to the Church of Scientology) about how she felt, so I felt so much better afterward. I even vowed never to jump on a piece of American-made furniture again -- I've already proved my manhood to Katie in movies such as Top Gun, The Last Samurai, and Vanilla Sky.

After we hugged, we went out to dinner, and talked about her handlers, and my handlers, and we boned bonded. Before we started doing everything together, Katie's publicist had told me that she liked to run three or four times a week to clear her head. Nowadays, we just go to Scientology meetings. They're so much faster. She told me that her favorite film when she was younger was My Best Friend's Wedding (I told her Nicole's had been Sleeping with the Enemy), and then we started talking about potential wedding dates. I don't want to say too much about it right now, except that War of the Worlds won't be the only thing opening on June 28th, if you know what I mean, hehe! (don't tell Katie I said that -- she'd blush!). For now, you'll have to wait and see (Batman Begins, because Katie's in it!). I'd say more, but if you'll excuse me, there's a couch in the lounge that needs breaking in.

We can't handle the truth!
One of a few good men,
The English Cruisader,
Tom Cruise.

P.S,
I thought of all of those myself!

P.P.S,
Well, not all of them. Katie helped me with the first three. That's what couples do!

Friday, June 17, 2005

Letterman, you meanie!

Hi everyone! Long time no see! I actually wasn't going to post again until next week, so I could devote all of my spare time to wooing Katie, but a dear friend of mine just showed me a video of Katie on Letterman last week. Dave, how could you? First you go about asking her all of these extremely private questions like "where did you meet?" and "when did you meet?", but then, as if that wasn't enough, you started making her feel uncomfortable about being half an inch taller than me!! You know what Dave? Height doesn't matter! Neither does size -- do you think Nicole would have stayed with me for so long if she had been uncomfortable with my unique height? Of course not! We had two wonderful children together, and we made an awesome movie too, where I must have been really exposed or something, because I'm still getting fan mail from a lot of guys who loved my acting in that film. It warms my heart to know how much all of you still care. But you know what an even better way to show you care? Go watch Mr. and Mrs. Smith! Wait, no, no -- go watch War of the Worlds and Batman Beyonds! I thnk that's what it's called. Sorry for confusing it in my last entry, Kate. Oh, I call her Kate beceause she's sooo mature, yet sooo young! It's unbelievable! That silly Dawson kid might have made out with her on that show she did, but I'm going to find out what the real thing's like, as soon as we tie the nuts...I mean, knot!

All I have to say, David J Letterman, is that Katie and I are very much in love, and it doesn't matter if/when/why/where we met, and it doesn't matter why Katie doesn't seem to be able to remember how we came together, or why she told that stupid dolphin story (which, to be honest with you, didn't make any sense to us, either) -- all that matters is that we are so deeply, truly in love with each other, and it's so important, because love only comes around once in a lifetime, no matter how many times you've been married or engaged in the past. None of that matters anymore, because I've finally found someone willing to go all the way with me, in more ways than one (hehe!). Seriously though, Katie's really into Scientology, as I might have mentioned in an interview (or two, or three) before. I mean, she digs it, you know? I truly believe that for two people to be together, they both have to believe in Scientology, or else, it's just going to be a publicity stunt, no matter how much they smile and force themselves to kiss each other. That's what I believe.

Oh, but this is why I really wanted to post (apart from telling off Dave, and reminding you to see War of the Worlds, and Batman and Katie): Keri Russell is going to be my leading lady in Mission Impossible 3! Yes, it's true! My agent just told me this morning, and I didn't believe him, but then I went to Yahoo! and there was a story about it, so it has to be true! I don't know what happened to Lindsay Lohan; she was supposed to be a character in the movie (though I think Scarlett Johannson would have been the main woman in the film, and not Lindsay), but now it seems that Lindsay's been kicked out of the movie. I don't know why. Katie thinks it's because she changed her hair color. I kind of agree with her. It's like that story in the heathenbible, where that guy was really strong, and really handsome, but then he got his hair cut by the woman he thought he loved, and he lost all his handsome muscles, and then he was no longer buff and strong and stuff. I think his name was Simpson or Sampson or something. Anyway, I hope Katie doesn't try anything like that with me -- that's why we're converting her to Scientology, just to be on the safe side. I mean, my handsome looks aren't just due to my hair, as you undoubtedly know, but there's no point in taking unnecessary risks. But as I was saying, Lindsay's no longer in the movie (plus she's got that weird skinny thing going on -- I keep on leaving messages on her answering machine, telling her to stop using drugs and start using vitamins, but she hasn't called me back yet), but I'm looking forward to watching/working with Keri. I sort of have this thing for WB babes.

Oh -- and you'll be hearing a lot about this today -- I proposed to Katie at the Eiffel Tower. It was so cool; there were so many cameras, and Kate couldn't stop smiling. I think this must be what true love feels like!

Well, tata for now, I've got to go do an interview, and save some kids from a burning submarine!
No Mission's Impossible,
the TopGunner.

Friday, June 10, 2005

I'm in Love...with a Woman!



It's true! To be honest though, it's still a bit to get over. I mean, sometimes, I don't even think it's normal. But you know what? When you saw me jump on Oprah's furniture, pump my fists in ecstacy, and, yes, bring out my lovely bride-to-be (just you wait 'till next week!), that was all real. You see, I just got so caught up in the moment, that I couldn't control myself! I'm sure you understand; it's not every day that you meet a beautiful girl biologically young enough to be your daughter, and have her fall head over heels in love with you, and have her even be willing to leave twenty-six years of her own religion for yours, all in six weeks flat! Score! Boy, sometimes I wish I was young enough to do a sequel to Top Gun, because right now, I'm on top of the world! Well, I guess that skinny, cute, cute boy said that in Titanic, but you know what I mean, right?

I know a lot of people have been saying strange things about my behavior, and about sweet, blessed Scientology, but I'm here to set the record straight. I *do* love (wo)men, and my relationship with the most awesome girl in the world, aka Kate - it's not for show. I mean, who says you can't find true love in four weeks? A bunch of naysayers, that's who! But I know that Kate and I have something that's going to last forever, and I know she'll learn to feel the same way. Just you wait. People keep on talking about the five years she spent with some other guy, and the almost ten years I spent with the previous love of my life, but those days are in the past -- we've got to let go of such things! In fact, don't tell anyone, but Katie and I have already begun to discuss the possibilities of making our own movie together. It'll be like Eyes Wide Shut, but even better! Currently, you know, Katie's all like Thighs Wide Shut, but that's why we're getting engaged (nudge, nudge)! If this doesn't put all of those mean rumours about me not loving the ladies to rest, then I'm not sure what will, but I'm not worried. My Truth mentor tells me we have nothing to worry about, as long as we continue to follow the path to enlightenment!

Oh, have I mentioned that I have a movie coming out? It stars me! And it's going to be sooooo good -- Katie watched it last night, and she told me it was the best thing she'd seen all day; next to me, of course. And you know what? She has a new movie coming out as well, though I can't remember what it's called. Batman's Buns, or something like that. We're going to watch it together next week, because I think that's when it's coming out. If it's anything like Katie, I'm going to fall in love with it in no time flat, because that's how I feel about Katie -- she's awesome! I can't believe she's so awesome -- I've never felt this way before, I swear! Penelope was...well, let's not go there. Personally, all I'll say is that I wasn't the reason so many people hated Vanilla Sky. People love my smile! You remember Jerry Maguire, don't you? Haha, I knew you would. I've got to go for now though; those Thetans won't disappear by themselves!

Sincerely,
TheEverlastingSamurai
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