Guess I'm Doing Fine

So this morning, while practicing some moves for Return of the Samurai (there's no official word of if there'll be a sequel or not, but I'll never give up hope), I decided not to press charges against those chaps who did the water thing. It made me feel good inside; I could just feel the Thetans slipping away. Some people call it meditating, but believe me -- you haven't freed your mind 'till you've joined my religion. Just ask Katie. Before she started seeing me, she had all these friends, and family, and hobbies -- or as we Scientologists call them, distractions. Now, it's just me and her (and Jessica, when she gives interviews). And that's okay. I haven't had a friend since Jamie Foxx won my Oscar. Do I look upset to you? No! I'm happy! And soon, Katie will be happy with me! We're already happy. You can see it in her smile. I'd have said you could see it in mine, but my face has been stuck that way for a long time. An old rock-climbing injury, you know.

Tomorrow I'm going to be on the Dave Letterman show. My people have spent the last few days working out the details with his people, to make sure we have a pleasant interview. On Tuesday, I flew down to Australia to take some boxing tips from Russell Crowe. He wasn't there though (something about a telephone incident), so I flew back to the U.K. to see Sean Connery. He was such a badass in The Rock, not to mention in the Bond films. From now on, if anyone tries some silly water stunt with me in public, decency be damned, I'm going to show him (or her, I'm not sexist) a thing or two.

I've been thinking of taking Katie to meet Nicole and the kids next time we go to Australia together. I don't know why I haven't done it yet. I mean, when we get married (and believe me, it's gonna happen), she's going to be a stepmom -- you know, like the Julia Roberts movie. I can already tell that she's going to be a wonderful mother/friend/big sister to my children. She told me she once had a puppy, and that she took care of it for two whole weeks before it ran away. I told her that was good enough for me. Besides, why would children want to run away from us? Those fences surrounding the compound are to keep heathens out, and Scientologists trapped safe. If anyone wants to visit me, they can come in through the back door.

But as I was saying, I'm trying to schedule a trip to bring Katie to the land down under, to meet Nicole. I didn't take her with me yesterday because she was having some trouble figuring out who or what to pray to before she went to bed. It's not that I don't trust her, but every now and then, when she thinks I'm not around, I've seen her reading some strange book about a guy named Jesus. Come to think of it, Nicole used to talk about him too. And they both have this weird habit of waving their hands over their chests (like an "X") whenever they enter one of our Churches. I guess it's one of the perils of an inter-faith marraige. Well, I promised myself that the next woman I married would believe in the Truth (meaning, Scientology). So far, Kate's been converting well, but this whole Bible-reading thing has got to stop. And when she's asleep, she often mumbles something about going to confession. I don't know what she's talking about.

To tell the truth, we're thinking of having an intervention.

Wish me luck on the interview tomorrow,
The Rainman




P.S,

I would have made a better Emperor.