Wednesday, June 22, 2005

Guess I'm Doing Fine



So this morning, while practicing some moves for Return of the Samurai (there's no official word of if there'll be a sequel or not, but I'll never give up hope), I decided not to press charges against those chaps who did the water thing. It made me feel good inside; I could just feel the Thetans slipping away. Some people call it meditating, but believe me -- you haven't freed your mind 'till you've joined my religion. Just ask Katie. Before she started seeing me, she had all these friends, and family, and hobbies -- or as we Scientologists call them, distractions. Now, it's just me and her (and Jessica, when she gives interviews). And that's okay. I haven't had a friend since Jamie Foxx won my Oscar. Do I look upset to you? No! I'm happy! And soon, Katie will be happy with me! We're already happy. You can see it in her smile. I'd have said you could see it in mine, but my face has been stuck that way for a long time. An old rock-climbing injury, you know.

Tomorrow I'm going to be on the Dave Letterman show. My people have spent the last few days working out the details with his people, to make sure we have a pleasant interview. On Tuesday, I flew down to Australia to take some boxing tips from Russell Crowe. He wasn't there though (something about a telephone incident), so I flew back to the U.K. to see Sean Connery. He was such a badass in The Rock, not to mention in the Bond films. From now on, if anyone tries some silly water stunt with me in public, decency be damned, I'm going to show him (or her, I'm not sexist) a thing or two.

I've been thinking of taking Katie to meet Nicole and the kids next time we go to Australia together. I don't know why I haven't done it yet. I mean, when we get married (and believe me, it's gonna happen), she's going to be a stepmom -- you know, like the Julia Roberts movie. I can already tell that she's going to be a wonderful mother/friend/big sister to my children. She told me she once had a puppy, and that she took care of it for two whole weeks before it ran away. I told her that was good enough for me. Besides, why would children want to run away from us? Those fences surrounding the compound are to keep heathens out, and Scientologists trapped safe. If anyone wants to visit me, they can come in through the back door.

But as I was saying, I'm trying to schedule a trip to bring Katie to the land down under, to meet Nicole. I didn't take her with me yesterday because she was having some trouble figuring out who or what to pray to before she went to bed. It's not that I don't trust her, but every now and then, when she thinks I'm not around, I've seen her reading some strange book about a guy named Jesus. Come to think of it, Nicole used to talk about him too. And they both have this weird habit of waving their hands over their chests (like an "X") whenever they enter one of our Churches. I guess it's one of the perils of an inter-faith marraige. Well, I promised myself that the next woman I married would believe in the Truth (meaning, Scientology). So far, Kate's been converting well, but this whole Bible-reading thing has got to stop. And when she's asleep, she often mumbles something about going to confession. I don't know what she's talking about.

To tell the truth, we're thinking of having an intervention.

Wish me luck on the interview tomorrow,
The Rainman




P.S,

I would have made a better Emperor.

95 Comments:

Anonymous Anonymous said...

dude, you rock!

nvr laughed so hard in my life :)

5:19 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Love the graphic!

11:49 AM  
Anonymous Oprah's Husband said...

tom, quit abusing oprah!

4:44 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

tom cruise can abuse whomever he wants! he's the cruise!!!111!

4:50 PM  
Anonymous thesecondtolastsamurai said...

haha...you're delusional if you think there'll ever be a sequel to TLS.

4:51 PM  
Anonymous a loyal fan said...

you didn't say anything on letterman last night tom. i was quite relieved/dissapointed

4:53 PM  
Anonymous thehumancatfish said...

loooosers! this isn't real!! it can't be tom!!! tom would never admit he was gay!!!

4:56 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

i think it's a good idea you're having an intervention for katie. that girl seems to be missing a few nuts and bolts...

5:03 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

"if anyone wants to visit me, they can come in through the back door."

hahahahaha. i'm sure you're used to recieving visitors through the 'back door', aren't you tom???

5:06 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

some strange book about a guy named jesus?

have you ever heard of a BIBLE, tom?

5:08 PM  
Anonymous Sean Connery said...

i was so cool in the rock.

5:20 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

funniest thing i've read all day :^)

5:26 PM  
Anonymous Jamie Foxx said...

i'm sorry man. we were friends, but you've been pretty crazy since this whole katie holmes thing started up. you're kinda off the hook, man.

5:29 PM  
Anonymous elizabeth smart said...

hi tom!! i love you! treat katie good!!!

5:35 PM  
Anonymous al roker said...

bet you didn't know you'd make such a fool of yourself.

5:38 PM  
Anonymous Jessica Rodriguez said...

tom, if you ever need me to beat some sense into katie, just let me know.

5:44 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

she keeps making an X, you say?

we christians call that the sign of the cross. the only thing is, you kind of have to believe in GOD to understand it. that's right. GOD, not Xenu, you psychotic devil-worshipper.

5:57 PM  
Anonymous Steve Irwin said...

Crikey, mate -- bang up job on this blog here. We here down under are getting tired of hearing about this "Tom" fellow on all the news channels.

8:28 PM  
Anonymous SoCalGurl said...

I used to think you were hot Tom.

Now you're just weird.

9:20 PM  
Anonymous John Travolta said...

you need a vacation, man. that's the truth. because you're going to crack if you don't get one soon.

9:21 PM  
Anonymous Vader said...

Obi Wan has taught you well.

Strike her down with your anger.

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Anonymous Anonymous said...

i can't imagine why they didn't cast you in Star Wars...

5:07 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

an intervention?






oooooooh, the irony :)))

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Anonymous Anonymous said...

Hi, does anyone know how I can keep or use that clip of Tom electrocuting Oprah? I think it's funny but I am not very good with computers or graphics.

So if someone could tell me how I can get this clip, I would be grateful.

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Anonymous Anonymous said...

LMAO @ the people trying to convince others that this is not Tom.

It's a joke, people. Laugh.

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Anonymous Otto Schmidt said...

Жжошь, чувак, блябуду!

Thanks for helping with my offcie depression. And let the Force be with you.

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Anonymous Emperor Palpatine said...

There is anger in you, I can FEEL it...


but you would dare challenge MY power?
I would make short work of you...




Besides, dude, I kicked Yoda's ass...I earned my position as Emperor...

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I hate you Tom Cruise

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Anonymous Anonymous said...

"First let's find your weaknesses. Then let's work on those weaknesses, and let me tell you how, but pay me first $30,000 for your first session(level)." Scientology- fancy name for expensive psychology, that makes you "legally crazy".

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Anonymous Anonymous said...

Tom your movie the last samurai ruled.I wanted to know if you are really japanese, or if you were from outer space. Keep killing those damn white men for me dude! You rock !

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Anonymous Anonymous said...

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