I'm in Love...with a Woman!

It's true! To be honest though, it's still a bit to get over. I mean, sometimes, I don't even think it's normal. But you know what? When you saw me jump on Oprah's furniture, pump my fists in ecstacy, and, yes, bring out my lovely bride-to-be (just you wait 'till next week!), that was all real. You see, I just got so caught up in the moment, that I couldn't control myself! I'm sure you understand; it's not every day that you meet a beautiful girl biologically young enough to be your daughter, and have her fall head over heels in love with you, and have her even be willing to leave twenty-six years of her own religion for yours, all in six weeks flat! Score! Boy, sometimes I wish I was young enough to do a sequel to Top Gun, because right now, I'm on top of the world! Well, I guess that skinny, cute, cute boy said that in Titanic, but you know what I mean, right?

I know a lot of people have been saying strange things about my behavior, and about sweet, blessed Scientology, but I'm here to set the record straight. I *do* love (wo)men, and my relationship with the most awesome girl in the world, aka Kate - it's not for show. I mean, who says you can't find true love in four weeks? A bunch of naysayers, that's who! But I know that Kate and I have something that's going to last forever, and I know she'll learn to feel the same way. Just you wait. People keep on talking about the five years she spent with some other guy, and the almost ten years I spent with the previous love of my life, but those days are in the past -- we've got to let go of such things! In fact, don't tell anyone, but Katie and I have already begun to discuss the possibilities of making our own movie together. It'll be like Eyes Wide Shut, but even better! Currently, you know, Katie's all like Thighs Wide Shut, but that's why we're getting engaged (nudge, nudge)! If this doesn't put all of those mean rumours about me not loving the ladies to rest, then I'm not sure what will, but I'm not worried. My Truth mentor tells me we have nothing to worry about, as long as we continue to follow the path to enlightenment!

Oh, have I mentioned that I have a movie coming out? It stars me! And it's going to be sooooo good -- Katie watched it last night, and she told me it was the best thing she'd seen all day; next to me, of course. And you know what? She has a new movie coming out as well, though I can't remember what it's called. Batman's Buns, or something like that. We're going to watch it together next week, because I think that's when it's coming out. If it's anything like Katie, I'm going to fall in love with it in no time flat, because that's how I feel about Katie -- she's awesome! I can't believe she's so awesome -- I've never felt this way before, I swear! Penelope was...well, let's not go there. Personally, all I'll say is that I wasn't the reason so many people hated Vanilla Sky. People love my smile! You remember Jerry Maguire, don't you? Haha, I knew you would. I've got to go for now though; those Thetans won't disappear by themselves!

Sincerely,
TheEverlastingSamurai