Friday, June 17, 2005

Letterman, you meanie!

Hi everyone! Long time no see! I actually wasn't going to post again until next week, so I could devote all of my spare time to wooing Katie, but a dear friend of mine just showed me a video of Katie on Letterman last week. Dave, how could you? First you go about asking her all of these extremely private questions like "where did you meet?" and "when did you meet?", but then, as if that wasn't enough, you started making her feel uncomfortable about being half an inch taller than me!! You know what Dave? Height doesn't matter! Neither does size -- do you think Nicole would have stayed with me for so long if she had been uncomfortable with my unique height? Of course not! We had two wonderful children together, and we made an awesome movie too, where I must have been really exposed or something, because I'm still getting fan mail from a lot of guys who loved my acting in that film. It warms my heart to know how much all of you still care. But you know what an even better way to show you care? Go watch Mr. and Mrs. Smith! Wait, no, no -- go watch War of the Worlds and Batman Beyonds! I thnk that's what it's called. Sorry for confusing it in my last entry, Kate. Oh, I call her Kate beceause she's sooo mature, yet sooo young! It's unbelievable! That silly Dawson kid might have made out with her on that show she did, but I'm going to find out what the real thing's like, as soon as we tie the nuts...I mean, knot!

All I have to say, David J Letterman, is that Katie and I are very much in love, and it doesn't matter if/when/why/where we met, and it doesn't matter why Katie doesn't seem to be able to remember how we came together, or why she told that stupid dolphin story (which, to be honest with you, didn't make any sense to us, either) -- all that matters is that we are so deeply, truly in love with each other, and it's so important, because love only comes around once in a lifetime, no matter how many times you've been married or engaged in the past. None of that matters anymore, because I've finally found someone willing to go all the way with me, in more ways than one (hehe!). Seriously though, Katie's really into Scientology, as I might have mentioned in an interview (or two, or three) before. I mean, she digs it, you know? I truly believe that for two people to be together, they both have to believe in Scientology, or else, it's just going to be a publicity stunt, no matter how much they smile and force themselves to kiss each other. That's what I believe.

Oh, but this is why I really wanted to post (apart from telling off Dave, and reminding you to see War of the Worlds, and Batman and Katie): Keri Russell is going to be my leading lady in Mission Impossible 3! Yes, it's true! My agent just told me this morning, and I didn't believe him, but then I went to Yahoo! and there was a story about it, so it has to be true! I don't know what happened to Lindsay Lohan; she was supposed to be a character in the movie (though I think Scarlett Johannson would have been the main woman in the film, and not Lindsay), but now it seems that Lindsay's been kicked out of the movie. I don't know why. Katie thinks it's because she changed her hair color. I kind of agree with her. It's like that story in the heathenbible, where that guy was really strong, and really handsome, but then he got his hair cut by the woman he thought he loved, and he lost all his handsome muscles, and then he was no longer buff and strong and stuff. I think his name was Simpson or Sampson or something. Anyway, I hope Katie doesn't try anything like that with me -- that's why we're converting her to Scientology, just to be on the safe side. I mean, my handsome looks aren't just due to my hair, as you undoubtedly know, but there's no point in taking unnecessary risks. But as I was saying, Lindsay's no longer in the movie (plus she's got that weird skinny thing going on -- I keep on leaving messages on her answering machine, telling her to stop using drugs and start using vitamins, but she hasn't called me back yet), but I'm looking forward to watching/working with Keri. I sort of have this thing for WB babes.

Oh -- and you'll be hearing a lot about this today -- I proposed to Katie at the Eiffel Tower. It was so cool; there were so many cameras, and Kate couldn't stop smiling. I think this must be what true love feels like!

Well, tata for now, I've got to go do an interview, and save some kids from a burning submarine!
No Mission's Impossible,
the TopGunner.

101 Comments:

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Etes-vous réellement Tom Cruise?
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Anonymous Anonymous said...

rofl - this is one of the funniest things i've ever read...

and no, i really DO NOT believe you are actually tom "the topgunner" cruise..cos we all know they have no sense of humour in hollywood 8)

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To whoever is doing this...you are a genius! LOFL!

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Anonymous Jack said...

Tom,
when is the wedding? You forgot to tell me the other day in St. Louis. How is Katie, you sly dog you? Well, have to go.

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"You can't handle the truth"

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Anonymous Anonymous said...

yeah, stop it because there are already blogs on Tom. Your at not funny. kind of déjà vu, shitty.
Sorry

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Anonymous Anonymous said...

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Anonymous Anonymous said...

This guy isn't pretending to be Cruise. He's mocking him! Ha ha! ROTFLMAOcopter!

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honestly. it must be pretty cramped living in that closet, buddy.

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