Rob -- It's 3AM, and I'm so Lonely!

Dear Rob,

I don't even know what to say. Katie told me it was inevitable, but I didn't listen to her. What with this whole hiring a skirt to promote our movies and the urban legend of my heterosexuality, I should have known it was bound to happen. Rob, we were lovers -- you know we were. Remember that night last year, when you held my hand and sang to me? You said it was 3AM, but you weren't lonely anymore. Rob, you wrote that song for me! We've been together for, what, seven years now -- And then you go say this to a reporter?

"If I were gay," says Rob, "Tom wouldn't be on the top of my list. It would be Brad Pitt. I'm more offended by the rumours saying I'm [a] Scientologist."

What?! Rob, you wrote that song (and many more) about me. You know you did! When it was 3AM, and I said 'baby', you checked your watch, and you said I'd never be lonely again. Through thick and thin, we stuck together -- through everything! When you made those really, really bad albums, and all the radio stations stopped playing your songs, who introduced you to Santana and got your career back? Who gave you a cameo as one of the dead guys in The Last Samurai? Who fed you chicken soup when you fell sick after we spent all night on that beach in Aruba? Me, Rob. Me. And now, you're going and telling everyone that you don't even know me, and that you don't believe! Scientology loves you, Rob. And I know you love me too. No matter what you say.

And what the heck is this part about how "if" you were gay (which you sooo are), I wouldn't be on the top of your list? If you gave me a dollar for everytime I've been on top...anyway, then you said you'd pick BRAD PITT over me? WTF? What's Brad got that I haven't? You're kidding yourself if you think he'd leave Angelina for you -- they just adopted a kid together! And he's not a Scientologist. And, he's not gay. You and I -- we were made for each other!
Remember this?

"I wanna push you around, well I will, well I will..." Even after the rough spots in our relationship, I took you back, Rob. Because that's what Love is all about. I don't know. Call me. I know you didn't mean the mean things you said. I left you a message on your machine. It's my cell, so you can do reach me anytime, anywhere -- just like the old days. You said we were BBF's. You know...butt buddies forever! Don't pull out now, Rob. Please don't pull out now.

You can still ride me anytime (if you say you're sorry),
the S.S. Cruise

P.S, the S.S. Cruise isn't really a ship (hehe!). Nicole still doesn't know that was our code word on the phone. Haha. We're so awesome.

Notes to self: Don't publish to blog. Email to Rob; attach that picture from when we stayed after closing hours to play with the bowling pins. Forward to Katie for prufreeding. Help her find a returnable wedding dress.