We are SO totally for real. Really.

Fans, foes, and fellow Scientologists:

Katie Holmes and I are(n't) breaking up. She and I are(n't) planning on going our separate ways, and we certainly are(n't) planning on calling off the engagement, and subsequent Super-Secret Scientology..Swedding. I don't know -- it's like some people never get tired of talking about things they don't understand. Did you ever just get that feeling -- that everyone around you was just a walking glib of glibness?

After my two-week ban from the internets (on account of my accidentally typing "Scientology" into Google), Katie and Jessica decided I was finally mature enough to be let back on. I had to swear on a book of Dianetics before they would believe me, though. But as Katie said, what's a relationship without trust? So because she trusted me -- because she loved me -- Katie sat beside me as I used the computer yesterday, to make sure I'd be okay. You've gotta love her.

There was something that bothered me, though. Two nights ago, during an evening session of nude gymnastics (to help me get limber for my stunts in MI3), I overheard Katie saying something on the phone that sounded a lot like "the check cleared." You know what the funny thing is? She said that last month, too! When I stopped to listen, I think she hung up the phone. Then later, when I woke up in the middle of the night to...err...free some Thetans, she was on the phone again. This time, I distinctly heard her talking about how I played the same character in War of the Worlds, Vanilla Sky, and Jerry Macguire. She even mentioned my fear of cheese!

When heard me jumping in an unmedicated fury on our bed, she put down the phone and said that she was just using reverse psychology; she was making fun of me so her mom would see how awesome I was. She said she was really really sorry, but I'm not sure I believe her. Katie still won't tell me why she keeps on whispering "three months left" under her breath, whenever she thinks I'm not around. I know she wouldn't be thinking of leaving me. She's totally awesomely in love with me. I heard her say so on Letterman.

Well, that's the weird thing. She's never actually told me she loves me, you know, in private. Whenever I tell her I love her, she gets really uncomfortable, and her cheek starts twitching. We went to a Doctor from the Church of Scientology, and he told us it was a perfectly normal reaction for someone giving up 26 years of her own religion for her spouse's creepy cult. I swear I saw Katie wink at the doctor just then. The Doctor said the twitch could only be fixed by vitamins and excercise. Katie asked about aspirin, but I reminded her that aspirin was probably an anti-psychotic drug. She laughed giddily, but...I couldn't tell if she was laughing with me, or if she was laughing at me. I hate that feeling.

I don't know, guys. Sometimes I wonder if we rushed into this. My Truth-mentor tells me not to worry. He says it's just Thetans bothering me. But you know what? This whole Thetan thing is starting to sound like a pseudoscience. I mean, I know there's no such thing as a chemical imbalance -- but what if there's no such thing as a religion based on hydrogen bombs and the spirits of Earthlings planted on huge volcanoes?

Anyway, I'm going to call Dustin Hoffman now. A bunch of us at the Church rented I Heart Huckabees last week, and it was surprisingly good, for a heathen flick. Katie seemed really freaked out by it though. For like, three days afterward, she kept on repeating that one line, "How am I not myself?" She just kept on saying it. Weird, huh?

Totally myself,
Thomas "the Thetan-Engine" Cruise

P.S,
click on the image for a full-sized view :^)