Friday, June 24, 2005

I'm Passionate about Life and Learning...and don't you forget it.

Okay, before anyone says anything, I wasn't out of line with Matt. I was perfectly correct to state my (loony) opinions on the Today show. Brooke is a druggie and kids in this country are all hopped up on Ritalin!!! I said it before, and I'll say it again...There is no such thing as a chemical imbalance in the body!!! Aaaaaargh!!!

Here's the transcript -- read it yourself.

Did I say anything crazy? Did I say anything that wasn't true? Of course not! Anyone with half a brain, anyone who has done the research and has taken the time to investigate these things, will see that I'm correct. All those neuroscientists and clinical psychologists who've spent their *entire* lives working on mental and psychiatric disorders ARE JUST WRONG. I am right. Scientology is right. We are all inhabited by Thetans. The rest of the world is wrong. A little knowledge is a dangerous thing; do your research, and you'll know exactly where I stand with respect to logic and reality. That guy you saw on Letterman last night wasn't me -- what you saw this morning on the Today show -- that was the real me. I love Brooke Shields! I mean...why would I say such cruel/idiotic/fucked up bullshit caring things about her, and how she dealt with her post-partum depression, if I didn't really care about her?

I'm not a wacked-out cultist. I'm just Tom! This is who I am! This is what Scientology is truly about! I'm just here to spread the truth. It's not my fault if Matt Lauer and his drugged-out Ritalin friends can't handle it. Some people may say I looked like a monster this morning...a sort of "Jekyll and Hyde", especially when you compared how I acted this morning to how I BS'ed my way through the Letterman interview behaved last night, but let me tell you -- the truth hurts. That's why so many people out there are hurting -- because they don't think the way I do. If you believe in Scientology, everything I say, everything I do, it'll all make sense. I mean, ask Katie! Some people might say she sold her soul to Xenu when she agreed to be my wife. I say she decided 26 years of Christianity were nothing more than a lie, and I think she's the better for it. After all,

Who needs friends? Who needs family? Who needs a life outside of Scientology? As my good friend Jenna Elfman once said, "AIDS is just a state of mind". Now add this to the list of truths brought to you by the Church of Scientology: There is no such thing as a chemical imbalance in the body. I truly believe this. Soon Katie will too.

Eternally yours,
The Cruise Missile.

Yes, I have a bad habit of repeating people's names when I don't agree with them. It's not because I'm condescending; it's just because they don't understand.

Wednesday, June 22, 2005

Guess I'm Doing Fine

So this morning, while practicing some moves for Return of the Samurai (there's no official word of if there'll be a sequel or not, but I'll never give up hope), I decided not to press charges against those chaps who did the water thing. It made me feel good inside; I could just feel the Thetans slipping away. Some people call it meditating, but believe me -- you haven't freed your mind 'till you've joined my religion. Just ask Katie. Before she started seeing me, she had all these friends, and family, and hobbies -- or as we Scientologists call them, distractions. Now, it's just me and her (and Jessica, when she gives interviews). And that's okay. I haven't had a friend since Jamie Foxx won my Oscar. Do I look upset to you? No! I'm happy! And soon, Katie will be happy with me! We're already happy. You can see it in her smile. I'd have said you could see it in mine, but my face has been stuck that way for a long time. An old rock-climbing injury, you know.

Tomorrow I'm going to be on the Dave Letterman show. My people have spent the last few days working out the details with his people, to make sure we have a pleasant interview. On Tuesday, I flew down to Australia to take some boxing tips from Russell Crowe. He wasn't there though (something about a telephone incident), so I flew back to the U.K. to see Sean Connery. He was such a badass in The Rock, not to mention in the Bond films. From now on, if anyone tries some silly water stunt with me in public, decency be damned, I'm going to show him (or her, I'm not sexist) a thing or two.

I've been thinking of taking Katie to meet Nicole and the kids next time we go to Australia together. I don't know why I haven't done it yet. I mean, when we get married (and believe me, it's gonna happen), she's going to be a stepmom -- you know, like the Julia Roberts movie. I can already tell that she's going to be a wonderful mother/friend/big sister to my children. She told me she once had a puppy, and that she took care of it for two whole weeks before it ran away. I told her that was good enough for me. Besides, why would children want to run away from us? Those fences surrounding the compound are to keep heathens out, and Scientologists trapped safe. If anyone wants to visit me, they can come in through the back door.

But as I was saying, I'm trying to schedule a trip to bring Katie to the land down under, to meet Nicole. I didn't take her with me yesterday because she was having some trouble figuring out who or what to pray to before she went to bed. It's not that I don't trust her, but every now and then, when she thinks I'm not around, I've seen her reading some strange book about a guy named Jesus. Come to think of it, Nicole used to talk about him too. And they both have this weird habit of waving their hands over their chests (like an "X") whenever they enter one of our Churches. I guess it's one of the perils of an inter-faith marraige. Well, I promised myself that the next woman I married would believe in the Truth (meaning, Scientology). So far, Kate's been converting well, but this whole Bible-reading thing has got to stop. And when she's asleep, she often mumbles something about going to confession. I don't know what she's talking about.

To tell the truth, we're thinking of having an intervention.

Wish me luck on the interview tomorrow,
The Rainman


I would have made a better Emperor.

Monday, June 20, 2005


I wasn't doing anything. I wasn't doing anything except signing autographs for people who *apparently* wanted to see me. You -- the fellow in charge of this -- you were a bloody wanker.

There was no need for this. I have nothing else to say.

Ethan Hunt.
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