Saturday, July 02, 2005

It's such a good feeling, a very good feeling...

I don't even know how to begin. Despite all the mean, mean things the television people said about me, War of the Worlds did really well in the box office! When I heard the news, I was so happy, I had to take some vitamins to calm me down! People had said, "oh, he's weird", and "War of the Worlds sucks!", but as I said to Katie, who's sucking now? See! Who's sucking now? She was right -- my ever-charming smile came through for me, yet again. Let this be a lesson to my enemies -- I am invincible! Indefeatable! I am Tom Cruise, hear me roar! Rest assured, we shall build many Churches with the money you have so generously donated.

However, this isn't all I wanted to tell you about. The other day, while Katie and I were playing a good-old-fashioned game of naked basketball, I got a phonecall. It was from Ben (Affleck) -- he called to tell me he and Jennifer (Garner) had just gotten married! I couldn't believe it. I mean, is it really possible for two celebrities to have a relationship without being everywhere in the public eye? Katie picked up the extension, and she congratulated Ben. We're both so happy for him and Jen. Hopefully my fiancee and I will be able to tie the knot in similar fashion someday. I have to admit, I had been a little worried when I first found out they were thinking of getting married. After all, they hadn't known each other for very long, you know? But now that they're officially husband and wife, it just makes sense. Love is an awesomely awesome thing.

Oh, but you know what the wildest part is? They're even going to have a baby! I...well, I have a bit of a secret. I don't actually know where babies come from. I mean, Nicole tried to show me many times during our ten years of celibacy/marriage, but I never quite got the hang of it. The Church of Scientology told me something about a stork, which sounded kind of strange at first, but I guess it must be true. I mean, the Church would never lie to me, would they? So, I don't know how Katie and I are going to have children, but I'm sure the stork will come when it sees how much we love each other. Katie said she wants five kids. I just hope that stork doesn't get tired from flying back and forth with lots of little TomKats, LOL!

Whoops - I've got to go. My fiancée and I are going to practice kissing, so we won't look so stiff the next time we try it in public -- Gawd, I don't know why kissing girls is so awkward for me! It's like trying to find your way out of a dark closet...arms and legs and sweaty bodies everywhere. I've got to get used to this, before the gardener and the cabana boy start spreading naughty rumors. If anyone tells you a story about nude fencing (without sabers), it's totally a lie. Well, tata for now! Oh, and if you get bored this weekend, go see WOTW again! We're trying to build a scale replica of the Eiffel Tower outside our beachhouse in the Bahamas, so Katie and I can always remember the place where we declared our love for each other.

Won't you be my neighbor?
Tom (TopGunner) Cruise.

Oh, and it's my birthday tomorrow. Go me! -- the big 43!

Thursday, June 30, 2005

A Love Tricycle


Hi everyone! I've been a bit busy lately, but I just had to fill you in on the past couple of days...

So I called Nicole yesterday, and told her it would be really nice if she'd come to our wedding. She said she'd think about it, but she wouldn't give me a straight answer. She said something about wanting to stay out of the public eye. I didn't have a clue about what she meant, but that's all right. As long as my fiancee and I are in love, and War of the Worlds does well in the box office, then I'll be a happy man.

Later that evening, when Katie and I were removing engrams from our bodies (don't ask), I got a phonecall from Penelope, which was kind of weird, because I thought I changed my number when we broke up. I didn't feel like speaking to her, so I left it to the answering machine (Katie), and she took care of it. It's always awkward when your old girlfriends, lovers, and wives first meet your current girlfriend/fiancée/brainwashee, but I think Katie handled it well. She's so graceful in her ways.

Tomorrow, we're thinking of going to the dentist to get Katie's wisdom teeth pulled out -- she doesn't think she'll need them anymore, now that she's becoming a Scientologist, hehe. Just kidding! She's actually had a toothache for the past ten weeks. Oddly enough, it seems to have started when we started dating, and falling in love. That's why she doesn't say much in interviews these days; it physically hurts her to talk about anything that doesn't have to do with me. But you know what? I feel the same way! Perhaps this is what they mean when they say love hurts? It's such a mystery!

It doesn't matter though; our good friend Jessica Rodriguez has become a sort of big sister to Katie -- she helps her say the right things in interviews, and she helps keep Katie from slipping back into bad habits (like Christianity, thinking for herself, contacting her family and friends, or promoting her movies). I don't know where I'd be without her, Katie, and our love of Scientology. We're like a tricycle -- an awesome tricycle of Scientology and love and awesomeness!

I'd write more, but I've got to go make sure that my motorcycle is in tip-top condition. Katie and I love riding down quiet country roads. Tomorrow we plan to celebrate my recent certification as a doctor, courtesy of the University of Scientology. Go Thetans!

Your best friend,
Tom Cruise, M.D. Class of '05.

P.S,
Katie's working on her bachelor's degree as we speak.

Tuesday, June 28, 2005

Invasion of the Body-Snatchers (Scientology comes to Hollywood)

Hi there! Just a quick entry before I go to the library. I know I should be doing research on the history of dangerous cults, but...

Guess what's coming out tomorrow? That's right -- War of the Worlds! I can't tell you what it's about (it's not like I've said anything about it in any public appearances, so I couldn't change now...), but I will tell you that it's going to be better than the 1953 version. You know how in the previews, you only see me, Dakota, and a crowd of people screaming? Well, that's pretty much the whole movie. But it'll be really good once you're in the theater. You get to see me turn from a shallow, egotistic man who only thinks about himself, into a thoughtful, compassionate, deeper human being by the end of the movie. You know -- the same character I played in Vanilla Sky, Top Gun, Rain Man, A Few Good Men, and (duh), Jerry Maguire! See, I think that if you find out you're good at one thing, then you should try to do it as many times as possible. That's why I always play the same character in my unique movies -- I'm just giving the people what they want.

By the way, I think Katie and I might star in a remake of Invasion of the Body-Snatchers sometime in the next year or two. If anyone's capable of accurately portraying a brainwashed human being, it's definitely Katie. Oh -- speaking of being posessed, I totally punk'd Lauer last week (Katie and I have been watching old episodes on MTV-Euro) . Anyone who's studied the history of psychosis can tell you that I was in charge of that interview; Matt's going to think twice the next time he has to talk to a Scientologist. Hopefully he'll be more responsible before he opens his mouth, and starts to babble about things he clearly knows nothing about.

"Who do you love?"
"I'm not going to lie anymore, Tom."
"Come on! You'll blow our cover..."
"You, Tom. I...I love you."
"Attagirl. Now, who do we pray to at night?"
"G...I mean...no one!"
"Perfect! Last one -- desert island. One Book: The Bible, or Dianetics?"
"...this is getting ridiculous..."
"Say it! I mean...say it, please?"
"Dianetics! Dianetics, you little munchkin.."
*awkward pause*

"Do you have to wear those heels all the time? You're already so tall..."
"It was part of the deal. Besides, I know you're wearing those stupid elevator shoes. Don't lie to me..."

(Totally wrong interpretation of this picture).

Finally, my handlers have told me that some people might be taking an issue with my recent public outbursts, or with my incessant declarations of love and awesomeness for Katie. Well, here's what I have to say: You will still watch my movies no matter what I say or do. Let's be honest: if you like me...you really like me! Not to be condescending, but you people will watch anything I'm in. If I held a televised press-conference tonight and told everyone all there is to know about Scientology, you'd still go see War of the Worlds, and we'd still break the 100million-dollar mark by the end of the week. That's why I get 20% of the film's profits -- nobody makes better blockbusters than I do.

I mean, if I kidnapped (and brainwashed) a 26-year old doe-eyed, All-American girl, called her the love of my life, and told the world we were going to get married, at least half of you would believe me. The public can't get enough of the Cruise. And this is why you're going to turn out in massive numbers to see me play the same character in yet another overhyped action flick.

Thank you for funding Scientology with every ticket you buy,
Thomas Cruise Mapother IV
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